two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
