I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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