I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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