i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
