I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
