The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
