I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
