dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
