Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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