I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
