the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
