I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
