I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
