You're my little dorito
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
