Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
