nut hugger
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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