tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
