my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
