I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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