my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
