he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
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Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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