i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
