this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
