i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
