He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
