apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
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He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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