Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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