Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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