im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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