So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
