As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
