sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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