the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
