JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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