Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
