My Higher Power is John Stamos
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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