I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
