I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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