Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize