If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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