I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
