she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
