In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
