I cannot find my penis.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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