My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
