i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
