Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
