At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
