I met the friendliest cop last night
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
