The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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