i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sober January is a disaster.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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