dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
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I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
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I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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