My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
