I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
