Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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