I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
